A love letter

Fiquei completamente arrebatada por uma carta de amor que li e que partilho aqui. Cada palavra tocou-me por serem tão familiares, tão dela mas que poderiam ser tão minhas, pensamentos tão semelhantes. Partiu-me o coração rever-me noutra história. Está em inglês mas de fácil compreensão:

"When I met you I honestly loved you the minute I saw you.
I thought you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
I knew you had had rain clouds but i was convinced I had enough sunshine for both of us
You just needed to be loved. enough…by the right girl… Me.
So I loved you.
Boy, did I love you.
With all my heart.
Every ounce of it.
And when love didn’t seem to be enough, I begged you.
I really begged you. I cried and pleaded.
I reasoned with you and encouraged you. Berated you and supported you.
I played the warden, the mother, the victim, the friend, the cheerleader, the therapist, the lover, the detective, the savior and when all of that failed
I gave you space. I gave you time. I gave you chances. I gave you excuses.
I gave you everything I had.
When I ran out of things to give…
I begged. and pleaded and cried.
and then…
tried it all over again in different ways.
And everyday you broke my heart.
sometimes a little
sometimes a lot
sometimes it hurt so bad I had to curl up in ball and just try to sob hard enough that I couldn’t feel my chest.
but sometimes you made me smile so big I could hardly contain it
so I tried finding a cure.
I read books. asked professionals. went to meetings.
I covered for you, made up for you, vouched for you.
I figured out deadlines, made boundaries and threatened you.
I screamed at you and tried convincing you with harsh words.
I smiled at you and tried convincing you with kind words
I stood by you and tried convincing you with loyalty.
I left you and tried convincing you with loneliness.
You gave me promises of when you would change and how you would change.
school. the baby. god. meetings. time.
nothing worked.
I still didn’t give up
although, my heart did
every ounce of it.
and I couldn’t feel much anymore.
which was a relief.
but you were still beautiful and still your eyes were innocent and childlike
and even though you could so effortlessly hurt me so
I couldn’t bare to cause you an ounce of pain
so I stayed
one more time
I haven’t done enough
I haven’t done it right.
There is hope.
So I tried it all again.
Tried with more grace and more patience.
More education and less judgement.
I believed in miracles. I believed in love. I believed in you.
that you could change
maybe you can you just won’t
and maybe
saddest of all
you really can’t but would if you could
but the fact remains
you didn’t
and I might have kept trying forever.
but I will always know
that I really tried everything
and I really loved you as much I possibly could.
I really, truly, honestly did."

Retirado daqui: http://www.maskcara.com/2013/08/21/a-story-of-addiction-and-recovery-part-one/

a letter about addiction

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